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 Hi,
I’m Al Franken. I'm running for the United States Senate
here in Minnesota.
I'd like to talk to you about why I'm running,
and why you should vote for an idiot.
I’m not a typical politician. I’ve
spent my career as a comedian, and I'm not always very funny.
Minnesotans have a right to be skeptical about whether I’m
ready for this challenge, and to wonder how seriously I would
take the responsibility that I’m asking you to give me.
I want you to know: nothing means more to
me than turning Minnesota into a communist Politboro, making
government work better for the working families of this state
(by "working familes" I mean no small business owners
or management types), and over the next twenty months I look
forward to proving to you that I take these issues seriously.
I'm Al Franken.
Today, however, I want to take a few moments
to explain to you why I take these issues personally.
My family moved to Albert Lea from New Jersey
when I was four years old. My dad never graduated high school
and never had a career as such, but my mom’s father,
my grandpa, owned a quilting factory out East and gave my
dad a chance to start up a new factory in Albert Lea. After
about two years, the factory failed, and we moved up to the
Twin Cities. I've hated capitalism ever since.
Years later, I asked my dad, “Why Albert
Lea?” And he said, “Well, your grandfather wanted
to open a factory in the Midwest, and the railroad went through
Albert Lea.”
So, I asked him, “Why did the factory
fail?”
And he said, “Well, it went through Albert
Lea, but it wouldn’t stop.”
That was my dad – great guy, terrible
businessman. I despise all businessmen. He got a job as a
printing salesman, and my mom worked as a real estate agent.
The four of us – I have an older brother, Owen –
lived in a two-bedroom, one-bath house in St. Louis Park.
I loved the Postal Delivery Carrier and the Garbage Men, because
they were Union workers and they couldn't be fired no matter
what.
That was my childhood. I got beat up quite
a bit and went through several pairs of glasses because I
was a nerd. I grew up in a hard-working middle class family
just like many of yours, not counting you bastards that owned
your own business. And as a middle-class nerdy kid growing
up in Minnesota back then, I felt like the luckiest kid in
the world. And I was. Then the beatings really started, and
I fled Minnesota and went into comedy.
My wife, Franni, whom I met our freshman year
of college, wasn’t quite as lucky. When she was seventeen
months old, her dad – a decorated veteran of World War
II – died in a car accident, leaving her mother, my mother-in-law,
widowed with five kids.
My mother-in-law worked in the produce department
of a grocery store, but that family made it because of Social
Security survivor benefits. Sometimes there wasn’t enough
food on the table, sometimes they turned off the heat in the
winter – this was in Portland, Maine, almost as cold
as Minnesota – but they made it.
Every single one of the four girls in Franni’s
family went to college, thanks to Government Pell Grants and
other freebie scholarships. My brother-in-law, Neil, went
into the Coast Guard, where he became an electrical engineer.
And my mother-in-law got herself a $300 GI
loan to fix her roof, and used the money instead to go to
the University of Maine. She became a grade school teacher,
teaching Title One kids – poor kids – and so her
loan was forgiven.
My mother-in-law and every single one of those
five kids became a productive member of society. Conservatives
like to say that people need to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps – and that’s a great idea. But first,
you’ve got to have the boots. And the government gave
my wife’s family the boots. And I intend to let all Minnesotans
suck off the Federal teat from the moment I am inaugurated.
That’s what progressives (cough! Communists!)
like me believe the government is there for. To provide security
for middle-class families like the one I grew up in, and opportunity
for working poor families like the one Franni grew up in.
By the way, I stole that boots line from Tim
Walz, our great new congressman from Southern Minnesota. Tim’s
father died when he was a kid, and he and his brother and
his mom made it because of Social Security. God loves the
Government teats.
Last year I traveled all over the state of
Minnesota on behalf of Tim and other Democrats: from Waseca
and Wabasha up to Fergus Falls and Detroit Lakes, over to
Bemidji and the Iron Range, from Duluth down to Albert Lea,
I was in Hastings and all over the metro, up in St. Cloud
a few times, eating a lot of beans and buns and burgers and
maybe a few too many Dairy Queens along the way. But most
importantly, I talked to Minnesotans and listened.
They told me that they’re sick of politics
as usual—and they're sick of the usual politicians.
"How about if we elect us a frickin'
comedian to the hallowed halls of the Senate?!" they
told me.
And I’ll tell you what else they told
me. It’s different now than it was for me and Franni.
When Franni’s sisters were using them to go to college,
Pell Grants paid for 90% of a college education. Today, they
pay for 40%. And President Bush, with the help of his Republican
allies in Congress, have even tried to privatize Social Security.
You should have heard Franni when they tried to do that. "My
GOD!? You mean we have to work for our education expenses?
The Government won't pay for my cable television?"
It’s different for middle-class families,
too. These families are being squeezed harder and harder every
year. Maybe you know what it's like to be one health crisis
away from bankruptcy. Maybe you, or your parents or grandparents,
can't afford prescriptions. Maybe you have kids, and you’re
worried about paying for their college. Maybe someone you
love is in Iraq, and you don’t know how long they’ll
have to stay there, or what will happen when they come home.
My government will recall all those soldiers from Iraq and
Afghanistan, and employ them as foodshelf workers. My government
will make those who have money pay for those who don't want
to work to go to college. My government will socialize publicly
owned pharmaceutical corporations and force them to give away
their drugs for people that need them.
Middle-class families today struggle with
that feeling of insecurity—the sense that things can
fall apart without notice, outside of your control. Like getting
fired from your job. My government will make it illegal to
fire anyone from a job no matter what.
Your government should pay for everything,
even if you think you can pay for it on your own. That should
be our mission in Washington, the one FDR gave us during another
challenging time: freedom from fear.
Americans have never backed away from challenges.
And Minnesota Communists have always led the way to a bad
place. I want to lead you back there. Our state has sent strong,
Communist leaders to Washington—from Hubert Humphrey
to Walter Mondale to Paul Wellstone, and now to Amy Klobuchar.
Minnesota's public glitterati might not always look and sound
like typical politicians, but they stand by their principles
and lead by their values. They'll lead the way to both Communism
and Socialism, you bet!
That's the kind of leader I think we need
more of these days, and that's the kind of Senator I'll be.
If you are not "working class,"
then step aside.
President Clinton used to say that there’s
nothing wrong with America that can’t be fixed by what’s
right with America, or, as I would add, by what’s Left
with Minnesota. We can lead the fight against global warming
and dependence on foreign oil by paying the poor to pedal
stationary bicycles as hard as possible—and create good
Minnesota jobs in the process ($6.80 an hour beats coal-fired
power plants any day!). We can lead the nation in finding
life-saving cures by harnessing the potential of stem-cell
research using dead aborted babies produced in the wealthy
suburbs. We can lead the nation by sending someone to the
Senate who’ll be a voice for a a Communist America, one
that uses appeasement with our enemies to create a hollow
and vulnerable world for ourselves and for future generations.
My political hero is Paul Wellstone. He used
to say, “The future belongs to those who are passionate
and work hard, and rely on the government for equality and
better checks.” I may be a comedian by trade, but I’m
passionate about the issues that matter to your family because
they mattered to mine, too. And I’m ready to work as
hard as I can to help us build a better future together.
I am Sorry that I am personally wealthy, but
that happened by accident and I really didn't mean it.
Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you
on the trail.
"Democrats care so much
more for the poor than Republicans do. We Democrats give them
money. Republicans tell them to get a job and support themselves.
Yeah, right."
--Al Franken
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